Having always considered myself a ‘loner’ of sorts, being by myself has never truly affected me. I’ve never felt the supreme need to be engulfed by my peers – I’m far too autonomous for that.

   The reason being – now, you may be wondering why I should choose to be alone – is that people are hassle if I’m honest. They drain my time, diminish my focus, and deplete my my energy. This is why I chose to be alone. Nothing to do with me being a miserable, lethargic cynic (no, I’m none of those things). I truly find everything easier when I’m left to play by myself. Genuinely, I have grown to thoroughly enjoy being by myself.

   Please, allow me to stipulate that people are in no way ‘bad’, it’s just that my experiences through School, work and college have taught me to never put too much faith in the way that I’ll ultimately be treated. From age five, I’ve been bullied. Perhaps I’m regarded as an inferior specimen; an easy target or someone who’s all too ready to accept a good slagging. I’ve been left with a generous number of complexes, a negative value on the self-esteem-o-meter, a horrifically twisted self image and dangerous lack of faith when it comes to having to trust in others to treat you with even moderate respect.

   It was rare that I found myself being respected at School. Forever did I seem to be the butt of jokes and taunts: those regarding my lengthy hair never really bothered me, had they truly done, I’d've cut my hair to appease the masses. No, it was perhaps the ones that addressed my physique and posture that tore me up the most. I wasn’t ever a truly overweight child but my body was (and still is) a little unevenly proportioned resulting in a rather generous posterior. “You’ve goat un arse like a wuman.” I can totally appreciate the insignificance of that statement, but the resulting approximation that the boy acted out… I’ll never quite forget that.

   Nor the laughing. I truly hate gang laughter. What bothers me most is the fact that not one of them will laugh on their own; they seek the safety of numbers. Isn’t that strange? These supposed ‘alpha males’, crafted in Atlas’ image, need to herd together like sheep in order to feel safe. To me, that makes them weaker than I am, no matter which of my faults of non-conformist attributes they chose to berate with laughter. Unique absorbtions are, however, what makes me so much more the individual than them. No matter what they ever said about the way I dressed or the films I liked or the books I read or the games I played, I was overjoyed that they found no joy in the affairs I found joy in: it meant I was nothing like them!

   The summers gave me time enough to fully endorse the past times I enjoyed most, but, I couldn’t help but feel a horrid sense of detachment from everyone else. While I knew others stayed warm in the company of others, I stayed warm in my room – really gets sweltery in summer. Actually, I not-so fondly remember wishing I could have friends to be out playing with, even if I did inevitably become the target of whatever they’d think up next.

   Thankfully, though, at the end of third year, things did change for the better. I vividly remember the moment I started to feel accepted. Standard grades had moved me in amongst others who shared my interests (at least in subjects) and to share time with them felt… ambrosial. Not all can appreciate just how good I felt inside, but I hope that some can, others, like me, who found safe haven in the midst of stormy playground seas. The friends that I met during this period I have kept to this date and will forever more cherish them even if our adult schedules clash and time together becomes rarer as the years go on. Those that ridiculed me – I firmly believe – won’t ever share bonds like those. They only had friends for the sake of having friends and put no real value on their friendships. Again, this is another thing that I take solace in. Because my lack of companions during my early formative years, I developed a strong sense of self-dependancy: something they may never achieve.

   This inner-reliability, in June of 2010, led me from Glasgow to Amsterdam, Amsterdam to Paris on a series of flights that would terminate in Tokyo – I’d say that’s a fair accomplishment for a nine-teen-year-old, lone traveller! The journey (perhaps ‘expedition’ is more appropriate?) wasn’t of great difficulty. I had myself to keep myself company and I adore exploring on my own, so, I actually had lots of fun getting from place to place and not having to worry about keeping track of a companion. Arguments, I’m sure, would’ve ensued regarding which way the gate was or how to get to the bus service into the city, ad infinitum. It was only once I’d checked into the hotel, made it to my room and awoke from one of the best night’s sleeps I’ve ever had that panic truly began to set it.

   Staring back at me from the other side of my 36th floor window was a concrete expanse. It swallowed the very horizon. In all directions. And beyond. How was I to solo circumnavigate a city of radius larger than most of my own homeland combined? It was then that I longed for someone else. In Scotland, there’s always someone to speak to whether they be a family member or otherwise, but here? For the first time ever, no matter how I’d ever felt inside, I truly was alone. It was scary.

   I revelled in my ability to adapt and overcome. The metropolis became my hunting ground and I was forever stalking the next adventure. Jubilation, overtook me, and I wandered blissfully amongst the populace who took this place for granted but I was guilty of taking something for granted also: my self-dependency. This “self-dependency” was nothing more than sheer arrogance. It was arrogant to assume that I could enjoy everything on my own.

   The Ghibli Museum located in Mitaka – I’m not sure that I can put it into words. If I had to describe it (and by no means am I a religious person), I’d say it’s paradisical. If magic was something tangible, that building would be built out of bricks of the stuff. Never have I felt so at peace and never have I felt so happy and never have I felt so heartbroken that I had no one to share it with…

   In the end, no matter how much bravado I try to exude, I’ll always require accomplices in one form or another. Whether it’s to play “chap door runaway” with the houses of those who used to torment me or whether it’s to form a dastardly plan to steal the Ghibli Museum by way of seagulls – I’ll need friends. I would also like to love and be loved someday if it ain’t too much to ask. If I fully endorse the hermit way of life, I’ll never have the job, the wife, the kids, the big telly, the washing machine, the car, the mortgage, the holiday, the three piece suite, the family Christmas, the electric tin opener, the indexed pension, the tax exemption and I suppose I would like all of the above. I guess, in the very, very end, John Belushi said it best:
                  ”Yeah, everybody needs somebody sometimes”

Posted in Life, Musings |